


to fear is as natural as breathing

by Clankit



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Character Study, Fatherhood, Gen, Mentions of M!SS/F!SS, idk i wrote this between 1 and 2 AM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-20 23:03:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17631428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clankit/pseuds/Clankit
Summary: The kicker is, Nate didn’t know if he’d make a good parent. He knew he wouldn’t be bad, and would be better than his own dad in many ways—not that his dad was terrible, mind you, compared to the horror stories he’s heard both in the past and the present—and would provide  good, solid, emotional support for Shaun.Or, Nate and his experience with being a dad.





	to fear is as natural as breathing

The kicker is, Nate didn’t know if he’d make a good parent. He knew he wouldn’t be bad, and would be better than his own dad in many ways—not that his dad was terrible, mind you, compared to the horror stories he’s heard both in the past and the present—and would provide  good, solid, emotional support for Shaun.

But he was _scared_. Terrified, even. Nora was scared too, but not in the same way. She was scared of the war and if she was eating too little or too much and yes, if she would be a good mom, but that was simply another drop in the bucket. Nora was strong in the ways Nate was not. You could fight a war with strength and skill, but being a parent required a bit more finesse than that.

Being scared didn’t stop him from being excited. He was so incredibly excited, when the doctor confirmed that yet, Nora was pregnant, and yes, everything seemed fine, and no, Mr. Smith, the fact it took this long was not a bad sign. Nate had always liked working with his hands, so he got the house ready—built a doghouse for that dog he was sure they would have, built and painted a crib, a new table they had no room for, until Nora finally took the tools out of his hands and told him to go lie down, dammit, they didn’t need any more chairs.

Nate does not know much about being a dad. He’s read a few books, and talked to other people, and they have all assured him he will figure it out along the way. So Nate is scared, and excited, and a bit apprehensive, but despite all that, despite the war, he’s happy.   

Then the bombs fall, and he watches as Shaun is, quite literally, ripped from his wife’s arms.

Nate does not know much. He went to college because he was supposed to, because that was what goods kids did, but he never was much for books. He liked things he could touch, listening instead of reading, struggled with concepts that could not be expressed easily. He has never fooled anyone, nor has he tried to, about this level of intelligence. He does not know much, but he knows enough. And what he knows is this:

He will get his son back, or die trying. 

***

When he goes into Kellogg’s mind—when he first heard the name, he laughed at the fact his wife’s murderer shared a name with a cereal company—and sees not the baby boy he remembers but instead a kid, a boy with thoughts and feelings, opinions and questions, all he can think of is the fact he missed 10 years of his son’s life. His son is already a person, and he does not know him at all. He cries and cries and cries, and his father does not tell him to stop, and Nick asks no questions but lets Nate sob into his shoulder, and Nate is eternally grateful.

***

The man before him is not his son. He may be by blood, by name, but that does not make him Nate’s son. This man is older than Nate, wiser than Nate, has seen more than Nate ever will due to the fact Nate can not possibly hope to live long in this ravaged world.

This man looks to him with hope, with quiet reverence, and all Nate can feel is disgust that the name he has chosen for himself is Father.

Nate very carefully does not allow himself to think of (Shaun? The synth? Something in between) anything else.

***

When all is said and done, the Institute is gone (Nate thinks Nora would say “Good riddance, about time!” and then go and beat some sense into the raiders ruining society), and Nate has a boy. A ten-year-old boy. His name is Shaun, and he thinks Nate is his dad, and Nate does not know if that is the truth.

This Shaun will never grow old. His body will remain the same, small and weak, susceptible to disease and bruises, no matter how much he plays baseball (though no teams are left) or lifts weights (though Nate has heard of no working gym). He might get stronger, but he will never be fully grown. He thinks Nate has been there all his life, but he has not. Nate never heard his first word, heard him wail and scream, never soothed him, never helped him learn to walk or dropped him off at school (he supposes the current equivalent would be teaching him to use a gun). 

He is not sure, but as far as he knows, this boy will never mentally mature either. Nate does not know if he is programmed like the other synths, does not know if he will be able to understand concepts like war and revenge and hate and love beyond the basics. Even if he does, he will be trapped in the body of a ten-year-old, and then Nate gets a headache from thinking about if it would be better or worse if he does not mentally mature.

Nate is scared of being a dad. He has always been scared, and always will be. But he has a son now, and he owes it to him to be a good parent. Nate will have to learn.


End file.
